Day 339

a lot of the time
I can occupy myself
enough to push you

out of my head and
write about the sky or the
birds singing their song

but then I find you
in the clouds and hear the birds
chirping your name and

I am right back to
where I began, writing love
poems about you

Day 338

my mind yearned for something greater
than what I could see
with my own eyes
and everyday I thought
there was something wrong with me
because I was not happy in this life

where an abundance of food grows
yet children starve
where the innocent are killed
by hatred and war
where unarmed men
are shot down on busy roadways

my mind yearned for something greater
than this cycle of ignorance and hate
but as far as my eyes can see
we live in a world
where people are not people
until they fit your perfect mold

Day 337

I remember those nights I awoke from nightmares, my sheets damp from sweat yet my body shivered like I had just finished an ice bath. My teeth would chatter and I'd scan my bedroom for the monsters, finding crazy-shaped heads in the shadows and green eyes peeking out from closed closet doors. I would slowly, carefully step out of bed so as not to wake them and sprint to my parent's bedroom telling my seven-year-old self, don't look back. I would traipse over to my parent's bed and squirm in between them, and it was in the warmth of familiar faces that I could fall back asleep within seconds.

But something changes when you get older. I've learned monsters are not shadows in the dark nor are they nightmares that disappear when the sun rises. You can't just wake up and find yourself back in your own bed anymore. They are within you and they are wherever you look. You may even get a better night's sleep now because for you, seven hours of closed eyes means seven hours of escape.

But don't push the monsters away.
Let them free.
Let them out of your mind, your blood, your bones.
Write.

Day 336

you only see me with
rose-colored glasses
I am here
though I am not heard

and once you take them off
you will see all of me
every layer from
scarred skin to tired bones

down to the

blood coursing through my veins
and you will know how long
I have ached for your

eyes to pierce my skin
to finally see who I am
and not who you want me to be
and to make me whole again

Day 335

whoever says silence is not a sound
has never been alone for so long
that they write a song to the
beat of their own heart
or memorize the
rhythm of their breathing

only then
amidst utter silence
can you close your eyes
and hear a symphony

Day 334

it is a new day
and so there is new light
casting shadows on my wall

the drapes are drawn
yet yellow and white light
pours through floral curtains


I make shapes out of the
shadows camouflaged in the
corners of my bare walls




creating people I have never seen
and places I have only
dreamed of

Day 333

there is so much that I haven't done
all the things I've read about in books
like laughing so hard I start to cry
or making someone's heart stop
when they look at me
or maybe swimming out past the buoys
beyond the breaking point of the waves
where some say the water is so calm
it feels like silk on your fingertips

there is so much that I haven't done
and so much to look forward to

and so here's to another day of
not giving up

Day 332

there is glass beneath
my skin trying to break through
porcelain windows

and I feel no pain
numb to the sharp edges that
used to make me bleed

but there will be a scar
a reminder of a war 
I fought with myself

and won

Day 331

If there is no one
around to hear my cries am
I really weeping?

Day 330

you were an illusion
from the beginning
reminiscent of a dream
but in reality a nightmare
created from serenity

a field of lilacs
all in my head

and I believed myself

but the real you
soon became clear to me
when I really looked
and your eyes were not
green but a blackhole
that dared to pull me in
if I saw you any longer

Day 329

look again
but this time
really see me

see the sadness
hiding shyly
behind my smile

and the mangle of
brown hair I use to cover
tear-stained eyes

look at me
then look again
and really see me



so I don't have to beg
for you to notice
my plea

Day 328

I have never known a sweeter sound
than your laughter
maybe they are right when they say
laughter is the best medicine
because when I hear that glorious sound
my sadness melts away
like a spoonful of sugar on my tongue
and I am sure that if I heard
your laugh everyday
I could never be unhappy again

Day 327

the moonlight casts a shadow over him
a sliver of ivory that drowns his features

he is surrounded by pitch black
but his eyes shine through any darkness

like lasers they pierce my soul
and I can feel myself growing weaker

he is love and hatred in one body
and while I lust for his gaze

he steals my soul with an open hand
and there is no chance of its return

Day 326

I am laying in my bed
staring up at the ceiling
all too often
I look for shapes in the shadows
on the walls
when I used to love finding
shapes in the clouds

I am laying in my bed
immovable in a solace of warmth
and protection
underneath blankets
and cotton sheets
remembering how I used
to crave the warmth of sun's rays

I am laying in my bed
wondering how
daylight now scares me
more than the monsters
that used to come alive in darkness
how each day is now a fire
I must pray for the strength to smother

Day 325

I laugh when I think about you
having no clue that your words
still slice through my ears
and reverberate through my skull
how you sleep soundly at the dead of night
sprawled out under a blanket of silence
while I drift off to the soothing
pain of sobs escaping my lips

And so I laugh while I carve poetry
out of the pieces of my heart
that were left on the ground
and though you were the one who
placed them there I must
thank you for stepping carefully
over them on your way out
so the pieces did not shatter 

Day 324

It was her walk that destroyed me
the confidence in her stride
eyes that read every inch of my body
in one glance

It was her eyes that stripped me
of my own self-love
the disgust on her face reaching
through my skin to the bone

It was her smile that melted me
a half-moon upon bitter lips
a pitying shake of the head
that molded me into a beggar

It was her hair that captured me
dark brown rope circling around my body
like a snake attacking its prey
and I was hers for the taking

Day 323

the broken walk among the healed
with pretend smiles and sunken eyes

camouflaged among one another
you must look closely for the

open wounds and hidden scars
limping walks and confident strides

the dead walk among the living
for the chance to become whole again

Day 322

bones fracture with too much pressure
as do hearts without enough love
and I think I heard a whimper escape my lips
when you broke mine

though years have passed
I can taste your perfume just by looking at
the empty side of our bed
but there are things I'm starting to forget

like how many freckles adorned your cheeks
and the way your hair fell when you sleep
these things I thought were permanent
memories in my brain

have fluttered away from my mind
like red leaves on the trees in autumn
until they are swept up by the wind's caress
and float gracefully to the ground

Day 321

when did you turn to dust
gently soaring through the air
hiding in the glare of sunlight
and forging a home on every surface

what were you before you were ash
burning on a stone hearth
a remembrance of the unknown
a reminder of the words you've burned

who were you before you were broken
when your dreams still opened your eyes 
and you danced through each day on tiptoes
and broke through the darkest shadows

Day 320

the day she
        fell
in love with him

she too
       fell
in love with regret

Day 319

take me back
to the ocean water
splashing my ankles
and returning to its home
to soft, dry sand
tickling my toes
and floating along the shore
to broken seashells
biting the soles of my feet
enticing me to keep them
as a souvenir in my pocket
to the footsteps in wet sand
and the water that invades them
erasing any trace of my
existence on this shore.

Day 318

I met you
when I needed you the most
when I needed a guardian angel
to show me
all of the good
when I was blinded
by evil 
to love every inch of me
when I forgot
to love myself
and to protect me
from the danger
within my own mind

Day 317

the earth
never knew what
it was missing until
you came along

and too soon
the sky grew envious
of the land
on which you walked

and so heaven
opened its gates
and took you away
from me

Day 316

it is warm but not sweltering,
and the sun has partially fallen
so it is bright
yet shadows lay in front of trees,
the creatures have gone to sleep
and all is at peace
and my mind speaks out loud
because at last there are
no interruptions

and I talk to you
because you remind me of this night,
of a summer's evening
when everything is perfect
and peaceful
it is you--
the silence that hears my thoughts
and the shadows that inspire
a different view from the ones I always knew

Day 315

I saw her once
there in a reflection
the one that used to be me
I barely recognized her
with eyes full of life
and a smile that grazed
her cheeks

when did I stop
loving her
the one that used to be me
a mirage in the mirror
reaching out
with soft fingertips
that once belonged to me 

and just like that she
disappears
a tangible memory
of what I used to be
before I stopped loving myself
and my smile faded
and I forgot to set myself free